Misery
by the female apophis
Summary: It's not a very happy Valentine's Day this year...


Misery

By: the female apophis

Disclaimer: No, I don't own them. If I owned them, trust me, all of my fellow authors would be getting paid for the excellent work they do.

Spoilers: It's basically Sam's memories of the past few years.

Pairings: Sam/Jack

Rating: R just because it's so depressing. Also because of the incredibly strong language.

Characters: the better question is, who *won't* be showing up?

Summary: It's not a very happy Valentine's Day this year.

Type: Angst, angst, and more angst. And maybe a hint of romance.

Song: Yep, it's called 'Love Song' by Pink. I don't own it either. I'm just playing with it. Just like I am the song called 'Misery' also by Pink.

Other Stuff: Not really.

A/N: I'm telling you now, if you don't want to be reading depressing shit right now, stop. Don't go on any further. You will be regretting it by the end of this fic if you don't wanna be depressed.

I would also like to say that this was unbetaed. I didn't want to scare my betas off.

THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ AN INCREDIBLY DEPRESSING FIC, DO NOT CONTINUE!

You're still reading? Wow, you're a brave soul.

**********

I'm alone.

Utterly alone.

He died.

Why aren't I?

I was the one who was shot.

Wasn't I?

I was the one who should have died on the operating table.

Aren't I?

This world is so fucking screwed up.

Isn't it?

First, my mother was taken from me. Just when I needed her the most.

Then I met Jonas.

He was sweet, and caring.

At least at first.

But then one night, he came home. He'd been out drinking with the guys.

And he hit me.

But he wouldn't stop.

By the time he was done, I had passed out from the pain.

When I finally came to, I was in a hospital, covered in bruises.

And that damn son of a bitch was sitting there, crying, telling the doctors he wish he knew who had done it to me.

After they left, he turned to face me.

And I threw the ring at him, told him that I never wanted to see him again.

Around two months later, the last of the bruises faded from my body, and I was able to begin rebuilding my life.

It was around October of 1994 that I got the word that someone had finally cracked the code of the 'ring' as we were still calling it then.

I was then given word a week later that the mission appeared to have been a success.

So yes, I was furious so say the least.

Why hadn't I been allowed to go?

Why was it that some of the men hadn't come back?

What had it been like?

A few days later, I had been given a report.

It was the report of the man who had commanded that mission, a Colonel Jonathan O'Neill.

His report was boring to say the least.

It showed no life, nothing whatsoever.

But that wasn't what interested me.

I've read other mission reports before, and I knew when someone was lying through their teeth.

It usually took place when the reports are as boring as this one was.

He claimed to have blown up the planet, leaving an archeologist behind.

And wasn't this archeologist the same one who had originally figured the Stargate, as it was now known, out?

Oh no, he might have blown up that bomb, but it wasn't on the planet.

Which means that obviously, Doctor Jackson stayed behind.

Almost two years later, I was called to the Cheyenne Mountain Complex.

And that's when all the shit hit the fan.

I met him.

Jack.

I knew as soon as he looked at me for that first time that I was fucked.

I wanted him to drag me out of that room and screw me senseless.

And that was in the first five minutes alone.

Not a month later, my wish was almost granted.

I swear, I've never felt more passion for someone in my entire life.

It was as though every nerve ending was on fire, the very essence of my being demanding that I fuck this man.

I still regret that we didn't.

The thing of it was though, I knew he wanted it too.

I could tell by the look in his eyes.

He enjoyed having me pinned under his body.

He had kissed my neck.

He had even practically beat the shit out of Daniel, and all Daniel had done was say that he cared about me enough to see how I was doing.

And no matter how bad things got the next few months, we never let anything happen between us.

Until Antarctica.

We kissed. Not that big of a deal, especially since he thought I was his ex-wife, but we still kissed.

He came to apologize to me after he got out of the infirmary, but I wouldn't accept it.

I told him that it's what friends do.

So I had definitely made it into his good books.

I refused to leave him being. He believes very strongly in not leaving people behind.

Which I guess is why it pained him so badly after Jolinar.

He started to become more protective.

That's when I realized what we had was more than friendship.

Sure, in those alternate realities we had been together, but it wasn't until *she* showed up that I realized what exactly it was we had.

When they had kissed, I felt myself grow jealous.

I mean, why wasn't it *me* he was kissing?

Things got a bit tense with us for a while, but we realized that we couldn't keep it like this.

Daniel would probably hate me if he knew what I knew.

I had known about Jack working under cover for the SGC. I had known about him pretending to be with the NID so he could find out who was betraying the SGC.

It was around three weeks later when the incident with Thor had come up.

That week we were stuck on that planet, I still wish something had have happened.

We talked. And dear lord, I wish something more would have come out of that.

But it didn't.

Then we met *her*.

Janet and I began calling her 'Tok'ra Barbie', because her brain might have been by the Tok'ra, but that body was definitely made by Mattel.

We said that we would leave it in the room.

But we didn't.

I showed up on his doorstep at around midnight that night.

And I fell asleep in his arms.

Mind you, nothing happened, god knows we both wanted it, but no, we talked for hours.

But it wasn't about our pasts this time.

We talked about our hopes and dreams of the future.

We talked about being together one of these days. And we made a promise.

The promise to stay with each other, until the day we died.

And that promise is probably what kept him alive.

I had become so scared when he hadn't responded.

I let out a silent prayer of thanks when Jack woke up. I had almost hugged dad after he nudged the death-glider.

Their oxygen was practically at nothing.

After we brought them on board, Daniel and dad had helped Teal'c get situated.

I had helped take Jack to the sleeping compartment in the back of the ship.

I don't think he ever remembered what it was he said to me.

But I remember those words as though he had told them to me yesterday.

__

You're my guardian angel, you realize that don't you Sam? I'll love you until the day I die.

And I had walked out on him.

That's one of the many regrets I've had over the years.

That and not fucking him during those three weeks with the light.

We came so close.

But I stopped.

And that tension that had begun to show up, it got a hell of a lot worse.

And for the next year, we spent almost no time together.

Then Daniel died.

And it wasn't me that was turning him away, it was the other way around.

And I realized how much I had hurt him over the years.

It wasn't for almost another five months before the tension let up.

I almost hadn't recognized him when he came through the 'gate.

He was tanned, the result of spending a month on that moon with Maybourne.

But there was something in his eyes, something that made my quiver inside.

This feeling he had stirred in me was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

I liked it.

After Janet cleared him to go home, I left myself.

So when he finally made it home, I was sitting there on his front steps, my chin resting on my knees.

It happened that night.

We fucked.

And if you must know, we actually fucked twice.

But he woke up the next morning alone.

Another regret to add to my already mile long list.

I couldn't bring myself to face him for a while.

It wasn't until Nirrti fucked me up that I realized we couldn't keep going on like this.

So when Thor enlisted our help yet again, I made it a point to seek Jack out and talk to him about this.

He had gone down to check on Teal'c and Jonas, which left me alone on the bridge.

I had become lost in thought when he came back.

__

'I figured you could use something to eat. Teal'c recommended some ice cream.'

'We need to talk.'

'Yes we do.'

And we talked.

We talked about what had happened.

He asked me if I regretted that it had happened.

__

I don't regret that it happened Jack. What I regret is that I left you. I regret us not doing something else about this. I regret that I hurt you.

Do you love me?

Always and forever Jack.

We'd made amends, but we knew that we were going to have to do something soon.

But the next year wasn't as bad.

Daniel came home for starters.

Jack and I began to lighten up around each other.

Then I got stuck on the Prometheus.

Damn my father for making me feel like that.

Damn him for making me think like that.

I was happy.

Okay, maybe at that moment I wasn't happy, but I knew that soon I would be.

It could have taken a few years, but I would have had it.

So when I came back, I almost broke down and handed Hammond that resignation.

But Jack's words were still ringing in my ears.

And I chickened out at the last moment.

Then I met Peter.

And for the next month, I kept my feelings for Jack hidden.

But after he found out about what I really did for a living, Peter was constantly questioning me.

So I threw him out.

I told him to never show his face around me again.

Two weeks later, I almost lost my life to that…thing.

I had been so close to dying, and they showed up.

They'd killed it.

__

Come here.

He had held me in his arms as though there was nothing wrong with it.

And after my dad left my side, Jack was there, talking to me and just generally being there for me.

He was there after Janet released me from the infirmary too.

He watched over me for the next two weeks until I was well enough to walk around again.

But then I lost Janet, and almost lost him at the same time.

Daniel took it upon himself to tell Cassie, and Teal'c had gone with him.

I stayed with Jack to tell him.

After the new doctor cleared him, I took him home.

After I had made sure he was sleeping soundly in bed, I had turned on the TV, and ended up falling asleep to Letterman.

When I woke up, he was sitting there next to me, watching me as I slept.

I had risen slowly into a sitting position before beckoning him over to me.

I helped him to rest against me, his head lying on my chest as my legs stretched out on either side of him.

We stayed there in silence for hours, just enjoying the fact that we were with each other.

He got promoted. So did I for that matter.

We went fishing.

Daniel and Teal'c showed up before anything could happen.

Then we started dating.

We spent our first date at this local club.

A young woman had gone to the stage and began singing in a rich alto voice.

That song had become ours.

I often sing it to myself.

Kinda like I am now.

__

I've never written a love song

That didn't end in tears.

Maybe you'll rewrite my love song

If you can replace my fears

I need your patience and guidance

And all your lovin' and more

When thunder rolls through my life

Will you be able to weather the storm?

There's so much I can give ya, baby

If I'd only let myself.

There's this well of emotions

I feel I must protect

But what's the point of this armor

If it keeps the love away, too?

I'd rather bleed with cuts of love

Than live without any scars

Baby, can I trust this?

Or do all things end?

I need to hear that you'd die for me

Again and again and again

So tell me when you look in my eyes

Can you share all the pain and happy times

'Cause I will love you for the rest of my

Life

This is my very first love song

That didn't end in tears

I think you re-wrote my love song

For the rest of my years

I will love you for the rest of my

Life

Today's Valentine's Day.

We should be listening to this song together right now.

We should be having dinner together.

We should be making love later.

But we won't.

Because he died yesterday.

And I'm all alone.

Sweet misery.

__

Shadows are falling all over town

Another night the blues got me down

Oh misery…I sure could use some company

Since he's been gone I ain't been the same

I carry the weight like an ol' ball and chain

Guess it's all meant to be…for love to cause me misery

Misery…misery

For love to cause me misery

Oh…I've been down this road before

Where the passion turns into pain

And each time I saw love walk out the door

I swore I'd never get caught up again…

But ain't it true…it takes what it takes

And sometimes…we get too smart too late

One more heartache for me…another night in misery

Misery…misery

Tell me why does my heart make a fool out of me

Seems It's my destiny…

For love to cause me misery…

Guess it's all meant to be for love to cause me misery.

There's nothing here to stop this pain.

Not only did Jack leave me yesterday, but I also had a miscarriage.

And I can't stand this pain anymore.

So tonight, I will be joining my child and my lover.

Sweet, sweet misery, I am yours.

~fin~

If you made it this far, I'm shocked.

I know this is depressing. But I really needed to get some shit off my chest.

If you did make it this far, I would love to know what you thought of this.

Much love you all!

-the female apophis


End file.
